I Got A Clit Piercing To Stop Having Meaningless Sex, And Here's What Really Happened

When people talk about sexual piercings, they often talk about how clit piercings make sex better. But what they don’t talk about is the healing time involved. Knowing how long it actually takes for a clit piercing to heal, I got mine done for a bit of a different reason — to avoid meaningless sex for a few weeks.

After going through a major breakup with my partner of seven years, I went on a bit of a f*ck fest and sampled all of what Columbus, Ohio had to offer. A few trips out of town added to my faire. After swingers events, bondage balls, threesomes galore, orgies, I was a bit spent, to say the least. So I sought to put myself on lockdown to tend to my inner-world for a bit and achieve some balance. It is possible to have too much of a good thing. It is possible to over-orgasm. Trust me. I saw a clit piercing as the perfect outlet for my not-so-inner masochist and a way to assure that I didn’t continue to f*ck the world, for a limited time frame, at least.

When you pierce the hood of your clit, it takes about eight weeks to heal, so I figured during that time I wouldn’t be able to engage in my favorite activities which are, to be clear: 1) Aggressive sex that involves man-handling (or woman-handling), 2) Oral play (you can’t get saliva in a new piercing), 3) Spanking (for obvious reasons), 4) Vibrator play specifically with the clitoris, 5) G-spot stimulation

The Goal:

Date casually and have meaningful sex akin to that which virgins have — slow, intimate acts, with a bit of pain, once every three days.

Boy did this blow up in my face.

One Day After The Clit Piercing:

I made it one day post-piercing before I found myself having sex again. He was a PGA player, 6’3”, great grey matter between his two ears. I’m useless when it comes to a hot man with a brain. I go wild.

I asked him to join me the day after as I sat with my girlfriend and baby dominant who I’m mentoring at a cheesy strip club on amateur night. I thought for sure that would kill my mood – the flood of girls trying to strip to AC/DC just doesn’t do it for anyone, myself included. There was a comedian present (my first mistake). When I laugh, I get horny. Always.

See, I’m no dummy when it comes to one-night-stands. We had all the ingredients necessary to establish something meaningful in the course of a few hours, and to dress up our encounter in more, there were laughs, naked women, good company, and nerdy conversation.

We were having sex a few hours later. I told him to do me like a virgin and he complied. It was very missionary and totally adorable. Him leaning over me with his tight body while I was perfectly wet but cognizant of the associated pain with penetration so close to my new jewelry. We lasted a bit like that before I grew frustrated and asked him to pound my ass. Mercilessly. And he did. With great gusto.

Two Days After The Clit Piercing:

We repeated the events the following night. It was brilliant and a bit brutal and I appreciated the honesty of the exchange. My poor vagina didn’t. When he went back to Colorado, I was a bit sad. The ones worth sleeping don’t generally live in Ohio. We have to import them unless we get tremendously lucky. But more luck came to me in the following days…

Later On That Week …

I was a bit bruised and had to take it easy with my girlfriend after the PGA exchange, but I was thrilled to rope a polyamorous patent attorney into our escapades. He’s catch and a half. He’s 6’2” with a huge dick that is pristine in color and effectiveness, a build akin to that of the golfer, which is altogether shocking for a guy who spends his days behind a computer, and an ability to last as long as he wants. His overall vibe is unique as well. He seeks community for future adventures in f*cking worldwide and wants to travel with a group of like-minded people and explore what is available to his willing and able body.

It was a nice evening — undressing outside by the fire, getting mosquito bites in really intimate places, letting my girlfriend be my surrogate for pounding as I watched, still injured from my activities earlier in the week. The same course of events ensued: “Please f*ck my ass because my poor p*ssy can’t hang at the moment.” Of course he did. What guy ever turns down anal? We walked through a minefield of condoms the following day and undoubtedly disgusted my girlfriend’s roommate who had to view the wrappers in the bathroom trash can.

After the threesome my poor vagina was ready for a vacay so I sea-salted the eff out of it and didn’t shave — my way of making the lockdown an even greater possibility. I don’t rock pubic hair and I certainly couldn’t wax effectively, so porn-y social norms about a hairless vaj impede me a bit. I didn’t have sex for a week.

Two Weeks After The Clit Piercing:

I shaved once for another threesome with the attorney and my girl, which was a beautiful thing.

I went back to not shaving and occupied myself with bartending, writing, and listening to Simon & Garfunkel when a pity f*ck called and said he wanted to go out again. I told him he could take me shopping for a dress for an event I was promoting. My request was simple – I need a dress and you have the funds to buy it. I need shoes as well. You can buy those too. He took me and the dress I bought was effing gorgeous- a black strapless thing with lace and fringe. The shoes were perfect, too. He took me back to my car and asked if I was coming in.

No, I wasn’t coming in. My vagina had been like sand paper with him and I wasn’t about to blame it on the ceiling fan again. I pity effed him once and I wasn’t about to do it again, especially with a new piercing that could be easily jeopardized.

I denied him the privilege of my new clit ring and went home. I then received a flurry of angry text messages wherein he expressed how used he felt given his lack of sex in exchange for the dress and shoes. He demanded that I return the items and I explained that I am not a prostitute and that if he wanted to do pay-to-play, he needed to find another girl to engage with. He spun out some more, so much so that I had to block his ass on my phone and social media.

That was a week ago.

Three Weeks After The Cit Piercing:

This weekend was interesting. I returned to shaving around my on-the-mend jewelry to have sex with a semi-pro lacrosse player who I initially dismissed as a Tinder prick after a limited encounter at the coffee shop. At the time I told him I was only interested in casual sex (that was during my sex fest after my breakup with my ex some months ago). My tune had changed when we reconnected this weekend.

When I watched him interact with his German shepherd in an attentive manner and saw that the space he lived in was covered in Buddhist iconography, I found myself intrigued on a level that I don’t normally allow myself to be. When he took off his clothes to reveal a huge back piece (good tattoos render me positively useless) along with pecs that made my clit ring hurt, I was pretty fully committed to exploring what he had to offer.

The sex was the most aggressive I’ve been able to sustain thus far. We ripped a hole in his sheets. I love banging athletes. They have stamina and focus and an appreciation for good equipment (aka toys). The machine gun dildo this guy has is ridiculous. It absolutely rivals a sybian in its power and magnetism.

Even more importantly, the connection with him is solid. There’s an easy understanding between the two of us. We’ll see what happens when I’m fully healed and able to assess the possibilities.

Final Thoughts:

My clit piercing taught me that I do crave meaningful sex with men and I wish to connect with them and not receive nurturance exclusively from women. I also learned that it sucks to have a new clit ring when you like to laugh like a maniac regularly, because your vagina will hurt when you crack up.

So, if you are having difficulty keeping it in your pants, are bored with the sensation you currently have, or are looking to critically injure yourself because you are a masochist, get yourself some jewelry in your nether regions.

It’s a damn good time, for multiple reasons.

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Images: Maya Jordan; Giphy

I Got A Clit Piercing To Stop Having Meaningless Sex, And Here"s What Really Happened